Whose Life Are You Living?
Status Games, Society and Business
You and I, as children, were given a drug. Approval, appreciation, praise, success, acceptance, popularity - call it what you will, but it’s a drug that causes dependence on other people at the expense of our authentic desires.
“You become a robot. You want to see what kind of a robot existence human beings live? Listen to this. You’ve got the robot who comes here, and I say, ‘My you’re looking pretty!,’ and the robot goes right up. I press a button called ‘appreciation,’ and right up it goes. Then I press another button called ‘criticism’—flat on the earth. Total control. <…> “- Anthony de Mello
It’s a harsh assessment but a truthful one.
Society
Various social mechanisms are installed in us early on and kept in place through social emotions like shame, embarrassment, guilt etc. Most parents are complicit in this but we should have compassion as they were too raised with comply with society software. The software is the only way to get many humans to cooperate.
Can society function without this addiction? Perhaps not. We’re social beings, and exclusion from the group feels like a threat to survival.
As children, dependent on parental love, we learn to conform to external expectations to feel safe and loved, sidelining our own desires. This persists into adulthood. People achieve socially sanctioned milestones, yet feel unfulfilled, feeling like life should be good, but something’s still missing. That’s because they ended up living someone else’s life. A life hooked on the approval of society to confirm they’re okay.
Not finding gold at the end of the rainbow gets some people into self-development. Others repeat the same programme ad infinitum.
A side note to this topic. I hear people complain that society doesn’t do X or Y: doesn’t encourage personal growth, healthy development, financial freedom, independent thinking etc. No shit, Sherlock - of course it doesn’t. Society’s survival depends on you doing what it needs, not what you want to. This isn’t a conspiracy. You don’t shove a steak in front of a hungry hyena and then cry foul when it eats your lunch. Leave the poor society alone (including your parents) and work on yourself.
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When we don’t figure out what authentic life means to us (let me contradict myself to say I’d argue this is close to impossible, but more on this another time), we die in instalments.
Another massive downside to living by society’s standards is that we become incapable of loving.
“As a result of having taken this drug, you have lost your ability to love. You know why? Because you cannot see any human being anymore. You’re so conscious of whether they accept you or they don’t, whether they approve of you or they don’t. You’re seeing them as a threat to your drug or as a support to your drug. The politician frequently doesn’t see people at all; he sees votes. And, if you’re neither a threat nor a support to his getting votes, he doesn’t even notice you. The businessman sees big bucks; he doesn’t see people, he sees business deals. But, we’re no different if we’re under the effect of this drug… How can you love what you do not even see?” - Anthony de Mello
Business
That’s why seeking wealth feels difficult and relatively few people do it. Because it’s going against the grain. In most societies, being rich is seen as bad, reflected in countless sayings and stereotypes about the corrupting nature of wealth. They’re essentially stories people tell themselves about why they can’t achieve financial success when in reality it’s the societal mechanism preventing them from doing so.
When someone (unconsciously) feels like they shouldn’t be wealthy because their tribe says so, they might not want others to succeed either, leading them to spread narratives that discourage pursuing wealth. Over time, these narratives become deeply ingrained, acting as yet another form of social control. Society doesn’t need to manipulate, peer pressure and societal expectations does for it.
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I observe society both hate and love business people. I admire them a lot because they’ve managed to act in their best interest regardless of the pre-installed social software. It’s why sociopaths (no experience of social emotions) do so well in business - societal manipulation carried out through social emotions doesn’t faze them.
Responsibility is proportional to freedom - the more responsibility, the more freedom. Essentially, the more you’re willing to challenge societal norms and accept both social and financial risks, the greater your potential rewards. This is why relatively few people venture into business—it’s tough to counteract societal pressures.
As Naval Ravikant points out, “Status is your place in the social hierarchy.” Society plays status games. They gain status by attacking people playing wealth-creation games.
Who’s game are you playing?
Have a good week,
Rima