One Thing I Regret The Most

It's having the best life

It's a bit of a clickbait-y headline, I admit. I don't exactly experience regret in the conventional sense. Sure, there are things I might wish I had done differently, but they don't come with the baggage of negative emotions like remorse, sorrow or heartache.

Regret

At 30 years old, I think I’m too young to have regrets. Most people’s regrets seem to be about children or wasting time on things that didn’t matter, like a career they hated.

But there’s an underlying lie attached to regret - I could have behaved differently but didn’t. At least in part, regret stems from self-judgement.

I tend to view my past as a film. It feels distant, as though the choices made were by a character who believed they were taking the best possible route at the time. Say, I’m watching a movie with Julia Roberts and her character makes a questionable decision. I don’t think Julia’s behaviour is silly, I think her character is acting silly. I apply the same logic to my past.

A character named Rima made some questionable decisions in the past, ones that the current me might not approve of. But these realizations only come with hindsight, making self-judgment pointless. In fact, I’m 100% certain that if we were to reverse the Universe to that exact point in time, I would have acted the same way. So ruminating makes no sense.

My regrets

That being said, there are things I wish I had done differently.

I had spent too much time living in Bali.

The first few years were fun and the years after were me not knowing what to do with my life and instead of figuring it out, going with the flow, hoping it would magically become clear along the way. Before I knew it, 5 years flew by.

Although I had some freelance work in comms and marketing, I didn't need to work because I made enough money in the crypto bull run. This allowed me to start a coaching business which I LOVED - you know when people say what’s something you’d do for free for the rest of your life - coaching was it for me. I did give away a lot of it for free (not conducive to a profitable business apparently!), but I was crippled with imposter syndrome.

So 3 years in, I quit. Upon reflection, I just needed some guidance. I have a psychology degree, a coaching certificate (from a university) and an ability to connect with people, the feedback from clients was positive too; I simply wasn’t a good businesswoman.

Increasing my wealth, too, was a peculiar experience. It felt undeserving to have all that money by accident - it was merely the result of being in the right place at the right time. I didn’t know what to do with it. I even lost 40% (the project went from top 5 to shitcoin in 2 days 😂).

Other than that, I was living the dream. Living in Bali, sipping coconuts by the pool, sunset every night, trips to fancy hotels, the ocean at my doorstep, beautiful villa, great friends, fantastic weather… All the glorified stuff you see on Instagram was my life and it felt UNFULFILLING. I was a retired young person without insight into what was going on - I lacked a sense of purpose and progress which led to a sense of emptiness.

A cliche I heard a thousand times, but money doesn’t solve all problems. Once the bottom of Maslow’s pyramid is solved, the mind strives for more. For self-fulfilment, meaning and actualization. I was going against human nature, wondering why it didn’t feel good.

Before spending another 5 aimless years in Bali, I decided to return home. Here’s a pro tip: if you’re from a Northern country like Lithuania, pick a better time of the year than winter to return to a place you haven’t lived in 12 years.

But I also ran into another problem - my resume isn't exactly what you'd call traditional. My work ethic is a bit different too—I'm the type to accomplish more in a focused 4-hour work spurt on my time than a typical 9-5 office day.

I’ve worked a few normal jobs before and each time I figured out a system to do high-quality work in half the time. To my naive surprise, employers didn’t like that. I had numbers to prove my efficiency and yet…

I recently went to interview as a Comms Manager (30 hrs a week) and having spoken with a CEO, I emailed him to say that I can do the job in half the time and I won’t pretend to work for thirty. I know it sounds like I’m shooting myself in the foot, but I can’t, for the life of me, take money and pretend to work.

I also considered that I’m genuinely unqualified and don’t know what’s going on. Or maybe I’m just not suitable to be an employee - TBD.

Starting over

My ego is hurt to start over. The whining that proceeded the decision to move back home was insufferable. Other people have life figured out and here you are, moving onto your mom’s couch with no job and no friends, and in case I forgot to tell you in the last 10 minutes, you’re a LOSER!, said that begrudging voice in my head.

That voice is an old story from when I used to believe there comes a point in life when things fall into place - no more problems, challenges or changes. But after 25 years I realized that adaptability, not stability is a key to a successful life. Rather than clinging to a hopeful vision of future happiness, I’ve been learning to be happy in the current circumstances and sometimes, despite the current circumstances. As Werner Erhard says:

“You can’t get happy, you can only be happy.”

An adult is someone willing to respond to reality, not expect reality to change for them.

I’ve witnessed people who expected life to meet their demands and it’s sad to see where they ended up. Their stance is when life changes, I will change. I am terrified to end up this way. I’d rather start over yet again, no matter the age.

As one of my favourite meditation teachers says when we get lost in thought during meditation - just begin again.

Thank you for reading ♥️

Rima

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1. Nat Eliason wrote a great essay on time and the quality of life. I highly recommend it.

2. I liked George Mack’s observations on why adults don’t exist.

3. The meditation app I use and talk to everyone about is The Waking Up by Sam Harris. As a member, I can give a free month (just click on the link). I don’t get anything, I genuinely think it’s a GREAT app and I want everyone to experience it!!