Two practical ways to relate to your problem(s) differently

Make your problem disappear

The problem with problems is that they’re problematic. We’ve all got them.

Just ask someone about their problems and they’re going to launch into a tirade. In fact, most people relate through complaining about problems in their lives, so you don’t even need to ask about them directly, they’re going to tell you (notice which person came to mind? Reduce that interaction to a minimum).

But you probably noticed, what’s a problem for you might not necessarily be a problem for me.

Some problems we share on a societal level like climate change. It’s a problem for someone in Pakistan getting flooded but not for someone who doesn’t believe in it.

Or if my friend’s husband is out playing cricket on Sunday when she wants to go shopping is not a problem for me.

Problems are not objective, they’re subjective.

A collective can have a similar problem but it doesn’t mean EVERYONE has that problem.

So problems are not objective, they’re not true out there in reality.

They’re true in our experience and created in language (thoughts and speech).

So if problems are subjective (my problem might not be your problem) and we bring them about through thinking/talking about it, we could try and change how we conceptualise and speak about our problem.

Story vs what happened

We don’t live and remember things as they happened. We take facts/events and add a story about it, run it in our head a million times and then walk around as if our story is a what happened.

There are 4 elements to what happened - who/what/when/where.

In a story, there’s always a bad guy - you or someone else. And suffering.

For example, I did not grow up with a dad.

Fact: my dad was not present.

I never met my dad.

My mom was a single parent.

This is what happened.

A story I created around it:

This means I’m unlovable.

Men always abandon me.

He was a bad person and didn’t care about me.

This is a story.

My partner left me - what happened.

I was rejected - a story.

Of course, some stories work better than others, but

We create tons and tons and tons of these stories throughout our lives, some are smaller, and some are bigger. And then we let those stories RUN OUR LIVES and create suffering!

If I don’t look at the fact that my partner broke up with me and instead interpret it as I’m unlovable/rejected, I’m creating suffering for myself. Not the other person, ME.

Therefore, it could be helpful to separate what happened from a story. It’s not like the story will disappear but you’ll be much more in touch with reality. If you train yourself to do that over time, you’ll become unstoppable.

Language

When we’re talking about something we want but can’t have we insert a but.

If we say I want X but Y - we create causation between X and Y. By saying this we bring this causation into lived reality.

I want to go on holiday but I don’t have the money - these feel connected like one is causing the other.

Let’s try a different way now:

I want to go on holiday and I don’t have the money - feels a bit less causal, doesn’t it?

I want to apply for this job but I’m afraid I won’t get it.

What does being afraid of something have to do with applying for a job? They both have nothing to do with each other, yet when we link them, it feels like being afraid is in the way of getting a job.

Shifting your language from but to and separates those realities. X has nothing to do with Y.

Conclusion

What I’m sharing is not the truth, but a different way to relate to problems. I know it’s easier said than done but it’s possible.

Life contains suffering (according to Buddhists) so why self-create it?

Love,

Rima

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