This one has been a long time coming. I think about most topics for months until I can write something meaningful.
So, MEN. I used to tell my ex-boyfriend stories about how kindly a man treated me somewhere and finish off with “I just love men!” and he’d say it makes me sound like a whore, so I better not say it to anyone else 😁 well, what I meant was that I have so much respect and am in awe of men.
A week ago I asked on Instagram:
The questions were:
When you hear a woman talk about what she wants, do you wonder whether you can provide that for her?
When assessing whether you want to have a relationship with a woman, what are some of your considerations?
When women talk about the things they want, do you take it at face value?
Do you pride yourself in not acting on your feelings?
What can you tell about a woman just by looking at her?
What qualities do you think are distinctly male?
What qualities are distinctly female?
What do you love most about women?
What would you change about how women communicate with you?
The following will be a mixture of the answers I received and all the things I learnt in the last year or so, particularly the last few months.
I don’t subscribe to typical magazine advice like ‘Here are 10 ways to keep him interested’ and similar crap. But I believe men and women DO function differently. We are literally wired to detect different things in the environment (think about evolution). If you disagree, you shouldn’t continue reading.
What women think men are
Quick background: I grew up with a single mom, in an era of feminism and I can do it myself attitude + didn’t have a father or saw a healthy relationship anywhere around me.
My beliefs coming from my background were:
Men abandon me and I’m unlovable
Men are stupid and a shittier version of a female
My mom and her friends used to say (rough translation from Lithuanian): “Men are like toilets, either taken or full of shit” (Lithuanian version: vyrai kaip tulikai, arba uzimti arba apsikti)
The prevailing attitude among some females in my environment is still pretty similar.
Hahaha, men are so dumb they can’t even find butter in the fridge.
Men are such assholes, can’t commit and are emotionally unavailable.
Men just want to use me for sex and they’re the worst, can you believe the x y z that he did?!
When someone saw me read about men she said: “pff, why do you read this crap it’s obvious it’s all bullshit and they’re no different than us”.
The expectation among some women is that men should act as we want them to act (like us) and if they don’t, it’s because they’re assholes, not because we hold the wrong perception of them 🤷♀️
Up until very recently, I too had a similar attitude and thought I was so much smarter, better, capable and cooler than any man, I’m not sure any man could keep up with me. I still think I’m tres cool 😉, but my perspective and view on men have completely shifted.
Some of the answers to the question “what do you love most about women” were: I love that you guys are so different from us. That when women walk into the room, they bring life to it. That they seem to have this quality of love in form. That they’re so mysterious in the way they function, they smell better, look better, can multitask and can do beautiful things like give birth. Isn’t that beautiful?!
They’re the most wonderful, caring and awesome creatures around.
Men value honour
When I got to Bali in January, I had a few short-lived romances with guys that showed me how great men are.
One of them chose to be honourable and respectful in the face of my complete emotional meltdown (which is NOT easy for men to deal with). I didn’t get what I wanted, but his reasoning was that I would get hurt, so he chose not to give it to me. He was acting based on honour, not his feelings.
Men take pride in not acting on their feelings and choosing an honourable thing to do.
The male mind works differently from ours. They can overcome their needs and desires if their values and honour are at stake. They love, admire, respect women and would never intentionally hurt us.
That’s why if the guy determines that he’s not the right guy for you (more on this later), he will do the honourable thing and break the relationship or very clearly state that it’s friendship only.
I know, you’ll say that some guys ghost you after the first date or two. But in his mind, he’s doing the right thing - he determined that you are incompatible so he’s not wasting any more of your time and has stopped the relationship completely.
From the perspective of women, this is angering because we care about the emotions of others and we wouldn't leave someone hanging. When we think from our perspective, it appears offensive. If we think from a male perspective, it makes sense.
Things to know when dating
When men start dating, they don’t think about milestones. They’re just meeting you, having fun and seeing where this goes, one date at a time. Most likely, they’re dating other girls too.
Another important thing to note is that men say exactly what they mean. There are no hidden meanings. If the guy says “my mother would love you” he means just that: his mother would love you. He doesn’t mean you’re the one, you’re going to get introduced to his family and this relationship is serious. But most women make the mistake of reading into his words too much, don’t we ladies?
One of the things men try to determine when they start dating is whether they have enough financial, emotional and other resources to give you the life you want.
One of the guys said: “Even though I have the money the girl who’s after Gucci bags and designer clothes is not for me”. When probed he said that this isn’t something that he’s interested in spending his financial resources on.
Because men’s instinct is to provide and protect, they want to make sure they can do that before they commit. Otherwise, they’re a failure. And feeling like a failure to a man means that he can’t have a relationship with you.
If the guy feels you’re special, however, he doesn’t want to come across as too interested because he’s afraid to scare you away. He’s trying to play it cool and he won’t bring up sex. If he does in the first conversation, it’s pretty certain he just wants to satisfy his sexual needs and is not interested to have a relationship.
Finally, when you start dating, don’t hide the things that you think would make the guy reject you. Bring it up and gently introduce it in the conversation. If you want to be financially supported, tell that upfront. This goes back to him determining whether he has the right resources to provide you with the life you want.
Caring is love
For men, the most energy expense is caring about someone. Their caring about you is the equivalent of them loving you.
When a man is in love, he'll do just about anything for his girlfriend or wife. But they show love through action, by solving your problems. You’re hungry? Here’s a list of places to eat. Your cat just died? Get in the car, we’ll get you a new one. Your co-worker offended you? Here’s what you can do next time you see them. Men are problem-solvers and solving your problems is one way in which they show their love.
I know as women we’re often looking for ‘I love you’ and men say that sometimes because they know you want to hear it. But their day-to-day actions are the real indicators of love. So remember to compliment and thank him for all the things he does for you. Even if he appears to shrug it off, men love to be noticed and appreciated. Genuine gratitude is going to make him do even more for you.
Communication
I think it’s pretty obvious that women are more verbal than men. We talk more. We want to talk through things. We want to report every single detail of what happened. When I talk with my girlfriends the amount of detail I provide about everything is big enough to start a small intelligence operation.
But men don’t really use many words. And I think women mistake that for incapacity for emotion when they’re wired differently. Men want facts. What’s the problem? What happened? What’s the solution? Give it to him straight, he doesn’t want the details.
We need to learn to communicate with men more clearly. To give better instructions. That’s not because they’re dummies, that’s because - again - they’re wired differently.
So when I have an emotional day and I just want to vent, I either reach out to a girlfriend or very clearly communicate to my male friend that I just want to vent and his listening will solve my distress. This makes it clear to him that listening is the solution to my problem, so he’s happy to provide it.
How to have better arguments with men
First of all, timing is everything. Don’t pick the time when he’s winding down after a long day or is busy with a task. It’s best to approach him when he’s the most resourced (most likely in the morning but it depends on the person).
Approach a difficult conversation without expecting an immediate response. Men need time to think things through before they can give you a response. Literally tell them, you can think about it and get back to me when you’re ready and then patiently wait for a response (it can take days).
If it’s something urgent and you need the answer soon, give clear guidance and reasoning as to why on when you’re expecting it (Netflix subscription expires in 2 days, so I need you to make a decision before then).
Another tip: lead with how you feel. If you come out saying you did and that, a man will perceive it as criticism and shut down. As in, his brain will literally get into a fight, flight, freeze mode. He won’t fight you, so he will most likely withdraw and remove himself (either physically or emotionally) from the conversation.
I have experienced that and found it extremely annoying. But I just didn’t know how to communicate clearly. I also went into the conversation feeling a level of annoyance, anger, resentment or another negative emotion that carried through in my voice. Men are sensitive to our tonality.
If you think well, it’s his problem, not mine, I regret to inform you that you’ll continue experiencing frustration in difficult conversations with men. If you want to play the game, you have to know the rules.
Other tips
Men love competition and challenge. Not from women, but from other men.
When something emotionally difficult happens, they need some time to think and regroup - he doesn’t want to talk it through with his girlfriend/wife. Give him space.
Men “can’t find butter in the fridge” because they’re wired to look at the big picture stuff (hunting a bison in the savannah over picking berries). Women are more detail-oriented than men. For this same reason, he doesn’t notice little details about you that you don’t like about yourself, he looks at the overall ‘picture’.
Some of the worries men have when they get into a relationship: she won’t allow me to spend time with friends, she’ll use me/take my money and I’ll never have sex with another woman again.
If you do need to give criticism to a man say something along the lines of: the only thing that would have made it better… BE KIND.
Men see what’s on the inside, by what’s on the outside (how you carry yourself, how you interact with other people etc.). Men are more perceptive than we think they are.
If you want a man to open up, ask a question and stay quiet. Let them think. If they pause, this isn’t a cue for you to come in, he’s thinking. Stay silent. He will talk more. When it appears he’s finished, give him another minute. They express themselves completely differently than women. I’ve personally applied this multiple times and the feedback is along the lines of “wow, you got more out of me than I ever shared with anyone. You know as much as my best friend”. I didn’t do anything, I just asked the question and stayed quiet. Magic!
A man needs to have a purpose, something bigger than himself.
The most attractive qualities in women
Based on my research and the answers I was provided with, they are:
Confidence/Authenticity - being herself
Kindness - is she kind to me and others
Honesty - can she clearly tell me what she wants
Receptivity - can I be her hero and provide for her
Playfulness - is she enjoying herself and not taking life too seriously
Conclusion
Men are wonderful, that’s my personal takeaway. When I was doing my research I kept thinking wow, how amazing is it that they have this instinct to provide and protect? Most of what I outlined works for all men, not just your partners. By learning this info, I was able to better communicate with all men in my life.
Men are wired to make us happy and provide for us. That’s beautiful!
In the past, I’d feel annoyed that I have to be the one learning all this stuff. Why can’t men do it?! Well, some men do.
Besides, if I want to be happy in my life, I take steps to create that for myself. I don’t expect someone else to do the work for me. Ideally, both men and women would learn about each other’s psychology to create better relationships. I play my part: my male friends can have open conversations about women with me without me getting offended, I explain how my hormonal cycle works and why my emotions fluctuate throughout the month and I give clear instructions on what I need when I communicate with them.
You either get to be right or be happy, so choose what you will.
Love, Rima 💛
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